I think I can safely say I’ve broken most if not every single one of my New Years resolutions. Weekly blog posts? Clearly not. Frequent art? So far, no. No new books? Um, about that…. And only art supplies to finish projects. Well… I DID get the thread. But then there were the markers… and… such. Exercise? What’s that?
Oh well. Even at the time, I knew it was excessively hopeful. However, they will remain as challenges to myself. I might point out that I HAVE been doing well on one of those resolutions– the reading. Between what I was already reading, a few new books (oops…) and librivox (free audio books in the public domain!) I have read nearly 20 books since the start of the year. The majority have been either children’s books or classic literature (many have been both.)
All that reading is not why I haven’t been on the blog though. I’m nervous to post this so publicly, but I think it needs to be said. I struggle with depression, and currently, lack insurance with which to address it. Most days, I just muddle through, but sometimes it hits harder– when that happens, I can barely do the necessities of the day, either sleeping excessively or unable to sleep and thus exhausted. Inspiration and energy for art are long gone. As you can imagine, conversations are less than pleasant– and thus, so would be anything I posted here. Most of the time, these episodes are a few days, maybe a week. This time, it was a good two weeks of incapacitation, and over a month of just not quite being myself. It’s not that I’m a naturally peppy high-energy person, or that I expect to be, but there’s a difference between my normal quiet reserve and the way I was– it was like I’d been drained of all mental, physical, emotional, and creative energy.
I say this, not to elicit your sympathy, but because I feel my flakiness deserves an explanation. Also because, maybe in the future I can just say so when I’m unable to post happy cheery creative things. Maybe there will be less apprehension in admitting I’m just not up to it sometimes. It feels weak. But then, it feeds itself, because I see all these talented artists, many overcoming their own personal challenges and still posting several times a week with great projects. Maybe I can commit to being present weekly, even if just to say “I’m here, I’m trying to stay afloat, please be patient.” Maybe from that will grow more.